My Christmas list is pathetic...
I’ve finally reached the age where I’m asking for socks.
I value you more than you will ever know!
I know I’m not the only one concerned about where this has gone. The feelings that we both once shared, they still exist. They went nowhere.
And you, you know it’s true. For you, I am still here! I’d hate to see it end this way. It plagues my conscience every day and I want nothing more. All I need lies in you! Don’t say this is the end.
I know I’m not the only one who wishes we could get along. Hanging out from eight to three and never wanting to fall asleep.
I just hope that you will work with me to make this right. We can’t just give up. It’s not fair.
This road, it’s long. If it will work with me, then I can say I did not give up. It’s not fair.
You know it’s time. Don’t pretend that you don’t! Tomorrow, if we don’t speak, a piece of my heart you will keep and we, we know it’s true. This is harder than I thought! This can’t be how this ends…
This can’t be how this ends! You have me waiting. I’m waiting. Waiting in suspense. I just don’t want it. Tell me where you stand. Quit walking on that fence.
Are you ready now? So, are you ready? We’re taking this too slow. Soon we’ll have nothing left to show.
My time is running on and it isn’t slowing down. Never on my side. You hate when I’m around.
Show me. Show me what you said is what, what you truly meant. Don’t say that I have to lose another friend.
This very moment… nothing else is this important! This very moment… nothing else is this important. Show me what you said is truly what you meant.
Set Your Goals This Very Moment
I haven't read PostSecret in months...
I thought that would be a big deal… right up there with A Softer World, buuuuuut, I guess I just got bored, because the secrets just weren’t interesting anymore. They went from being real, legitimate secrets, to things that everybody sort of freaks out about. Sure, the feeling of a universal connection is one thing, but on the other hand, why read a secret I’m well aware exists in damn near everyone? I already FEEL it.
I used to know this girl who gave her love away to every guy she met. With all the games they played, she never seemed to cry. She never got upset, and one by one they came, and one by one they left.
I thought that I could fix her if she would let me in, but all of my advances were shut down in the end. When days turned into months, I begged her to explain and this is what she sang,
“It’s not like I’m a slut or that I really like to fuck, I just want every boy I see to walk away with part of me until there’s nothing left to hold, until there’s nothing left to hate. I appreciate your help, but even you can save me from myself.”
I used to know this boy who took notes in a book, but he ripped out all the pages before I got a look at all the words he scribbled, at all the lines he filled, but the ink stains on his fingers told me he was skilled at capturing a feeling that most of us just miss: The simple pain of living with goodbyes on our lips. I found one of the pages crumpled by her bed and this is how it read,
“It’s not like I am weak or that I don’t know how to leave. It’s just that every time you cheat, you bring me closer to defeat, until there’s nothing left to love, until there’s nothing left to say. I know that you need help, but even I can’t save you from yourself.”
Her Space Holiday Japanese Gum
This has been building over the last few months...
Every time that I’m in a car, with the many steps my life is currently taking to become worse than it was the day before, I often think:
“What if the car takes too sharp of a turn and flips, relentlessly down some grassy hill… What if someone drifts carelessly into our lane and collides with us head on… What if we go too fast, just fast enough to lose control entirely and end up messy knots of what used to be people forty feet from the crash sight…”
Every. Single. Time I’m in a car now, I realize that there’s a part of me, a growing part, that wouldn’t mind never getting back out… and although part of that terrifies me, the other part accepts it, without question.
“I’d drive my car off of a bridge if I knew that you weren’t inside. With the pedal to the floor, who could ask for a more fantastic way to kill some time?”
I have… I have you breathin’ down my neck, breathin’ down my neck. I don’t… don’t know what you could possibly expect under this condition, so I’ll wait. I’ll wait for the ambulance to come, ambulance to come pick us up off the floor. What did you possibly expect under this condition? So…
Slow down, this night’s a perfect shade of dark blue… dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I’m here with you? I said the world could be burning, burning down. Dark blue, dark blue… have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I’m here with you. I said the world could be burning ‘til there’s nothing but dark blue… just dark blue.
This flood… this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground beneath my feet. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition. So, I’ll swim. I’ll swim as the water rises up. The sun is sinking down suggesting it’s best that I slow down.
This night’s a perfect shade of dark blue… dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I’m here with you? I said the world could be burning, burning down. Dark blue, dark blue… have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I’m here with you. I said the world could be burning dark blue…
We were boxing. We were boxing the stars. We were boxing… we were boxing. You were swinging for Mars and then the water reached the West Coast and took the power lines, the power lines… and it was me and you. This could last forever, and the whole town under water… there was nothing we could do. It was dark blue.
Dark blue, dark blue… have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I’m here with you. I said the world could be burning, burning down. Dark blue… have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I’m here with you. I said the world could be burning. Now there’s nothing but dark blue.
If you’ve ever been alone in the dark blue… if you’ve ever been alone, you’ll know. You’ll know.
Jack’s Mannequin Dark Blue
In regards to Caitlin's answer to my question of honesty:
This is true. Most people don’t want to hear the truth, but I (Although it appears to be a somewhat rare quality in human beings these days) base my entire life around it. I forgive people fairly easily for their actions when something worthy of an apology has been done, and all I have ever asked for is honesty.
It seems to me that it’s not really so much that most people are afraid of the truth, so much so that more people are afraid of how people will handle it. Not to sound too cliche, obviously.
It’s also easier to lie for the sake of keeping things kosher than it is to take a risk. I guess I just wish that more people would take the risk, because being lied to is probably the worst possible feeling in the world… both when you’re sure of it, or when you’re paranoid of it.
(via ache)
I guess if the answer is “No,” the only option you have in changing that is to become something else?
Dan: If you love her, you’ll let her go so she can be happy.
Larry: She doesn’t want to be happy.
Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don’t. They want to be unhappy to confirm they’re depressed. If they were happy, they couldn’t be depressed anymore. They’d have to go out into the world and live… which can be depressing.
It's weird having gone to middle school with people who turned into hardcore scene kids.
This one guy I once knew has at least fifteen piercings. Including one in the trend of piercing some strange part of your body (wrists, dimples, ect. In his case: hips). It’s weird. Like hey, you used to chase after the bus in a homemade boxman costume which I thought was hilarious until I saw Smosh for the first time about two years later! And after you did that the bus driver would drop you out in front of your house exactly instead! And one time your mom came out and everyone said they wanted to bang her so you ended up punching some kid in the mouth! And that one time when I gave you some crackers you smashed a bunch of them and the next day the bus driver said ‘we have a cracked problem on the bus!’ to a bus full of white kids, in her southern drawl. And you, me and Alex used to sit together and throw things out the window! Do you remember that?
You were so happy.
And now you’re just one big box full of depression.
Growing up fucking sucks… some people express it by becoming corporate slaves and desk jockeys. Others express it by punching a lot of holes in their body in “unique” ways. The latter is mostly because it becomes really sad and cliche to cut yourself after fourteen, especially if you’re a guy, but piercings and tattoos are more visible than scars anyway, right?
I'm not terribly sure why...
I’ve been scorned. Although someone else should be trying to get back in my good graces, I feel like I’m struggling to get back into theirs.
Realistically, at this point, it’s hard to not feel like it wasn’t my fault somehow, and now I’m trying to make things perfect again.
I hope it doesn’t end up being harder than I expect… *sigh*
The singlular thing we have in common is that we're all completely alone at the end of the day.
Reasons why I feel like shit today:
- I slept until 2PM.
- I missed a text from Sherry which broke my heart.
- Someone I used to be close to is struggling and I can’t do anything about it because we’ve drifted apart.
- I’m trying to regain trust that took seven months to build and one night to destroy.
- The weather is bland and chilly.
- My best friend is moving nine hundred miles away in two weeks.
- As girlie and narcissistic as it sounds, I feel like a fat ass. My weight keeps fluctuating due to poor eating habits.
- I’m having a strange pain in my lower, right abdomen.
- I feel like the people I live with resent me being here.
- I don’t know how to complete the rest of my college application.
- The only way I’ll get a car is if I leave everything and move back to Pennsylvania.
- I’m no longer close with anyone in my family.
- I’ve already spent the $40 I got from selling my body (plasma) on Saturday, and now I’m completely broke. Again.
- Getting a job in this town is downright impossible, especially without transportation.
- I feel pathetic for even complaining.
H'oh, my God...
Update on the Darkly Dreaming Dexter bit: twelve minutes and counting.
<333333333333
(Sidebar: I was talking to DWABO earlier about this and it came to me that these audio books… aside from being well worth the bandwidth, would be a millions times better were they to be read by Michael C. Hall. However, I know I won’t be that lucky. I’m happy regardless.)
